Bathroom etiquette

Now that I have the ability to post again, I would like to turn your attention to a problem which should be addressed by all self respecting Americans, nay, Citizens of Planet Earth. This problem of which I type, is of course, complete and utter disregard by a large percentage of our fellow humans for bathroom etiquette.

Now, I realize that working in a business setting like I do, I've got it pretty good. I have a nice bathroom with an adequate number of stalls and urinals and generally it is kept in pretty good shape by the guy who drags around that huge transparent bag full of paper towel and toilet paper refills. I only assume that the bathroom is also cleaned each night by the crew that shows up after 5:30pm each weeknight. So, the bathroom is kept pretty clean and relatively neat, with the clogged toilet or disappointingly disheveled stall a relative rarity. However, be that as it may, I still see too many "professionals" violate even the most basic of hygiene and consideration for their fellow man during their time behind the dual cipher-locked bathroom doors. And so begins my bathroom pet-peeve/basic etiquette list.

1) This is a basic rule all of us should have learned by the time we were in kindergarten. After using the toilet, you should wash your hands. With soap and water. I'm not talking about scrubbing up like you're going into perform open heart surgery or anything, just enough to get a nice lather and a good rinse. It takes 30, maybe 45 seconds. No one wants to shake hands with your penis. Please, just take the time to wash. You can use the time while you are washing to admire that perfectly coiffed head of hair you spent $75 getting cut in the awkwardly and inconsistently named salon downstairs. Oh, and those of you who only "wash" your hands when someone else is in the bathroom with you, we can tell you are unfamiliar with the operation of the faucet and you use the mouthwash instead of the soap dispenser.

2) This is (hopefully) a gender specific rule. Do not put trash (gum, paper, floss, match box cars, etc.) into the urinal. There is only one substance that really should be put into the urinal, and if you aren't sure what that substance is, then maybe you should be wearing adult diapers. I mean, come on people. What the hell goes through your head when you put things that clearly are not going to go through that plastic screen at the bottom of the urinal? It makes me mad because you know it's not the chowderhead who put the crap there in the first place that will have to fish it out later. Just don't do it.

3) Don't have a conversation once you enter the stall, or try to start one with someone in a stall. Get in, do what you gotta do, and get out. Your analysis of the Redskins' draft picks can wait. This also includes phone conversations. If I hear someone talking on the phone while in the bathroom, I try to make as much noise as possible so that it is unmistakable to the person on the other end of the phone conversation they are being talked to while the other person is making nasty.

4) Two words: Mercy flush.

5) Speaking of flushing, another thing that should be obvious, please flush once you've finished. Again, unless you are in a drought stricken area, and only if you are doing number one, everyone should always flush. No one wants to see that, least of all the person who shows up afterwards. (There has only been one exception to this rule and that was one time in my college dorm bathroom. People were coming from all over campus to see it. If we'd had a digital camera, this would have been circulating on the internet so fast, it would have made your desktop spin.)

I'm sure I will continue this list, but I think those are the big five rules that need to be followed in order for others show respect to fellow humankind. Until these rules are more rigorously followed, I will attempt to minimize my time in the public facilities and always use the paper towel on the doorknob on the way out.